The Conversation Most Families Avoid

A recent New York Times article underscored something many adult children quietly worry about. The most important conversations about aging rarely happen early enough. This is likely because talking toaging parents about future planning can be uncomfortable. It can feel like naming a decline that no one wants to acknowledge. But avoiding the topic does not help and in fact can put your loved one at risk.

I encourage you to look at these challenging conversations as an opportunity to connect with your older adult parent, as an opportunity to reduce stress, prevent conflict, and support independence for as long as possible. And even though the conversation might at first feel challenging, you will be so happy you had it if a crisis occurs.  

Here is how to begin.

1. Start Conversations Early

Instead of jumping into big decisions, begin with small, everyday questions.

Ask:

• How is carrying thegroceries feeling lately?

• Are there any parts of the house that feel harder to manage?

• What does a great day at home look like for you right now?

These questions build insight without triggering defensiveness. They shift the tone from “You need help” to “I want to understand your experience.” Independence is preserved through awareness, not avoidance.

2. Make Health Information Visible

In an emergency, families often scramble to gather medication lists, provider names, or medical history. That confusion adds stress at exactly the wrong moment. Before anything happens, create clarity.

Compile:

• Current medications

• Health conditions

• Provider contact information

• Insurance details

But do not just write it down. Make sure it is accessible and shared with the right people. Information locked in a drawer does not help when decisions must be made quickly. Preparation is not just about documentation. It is about visibility.

3. Define What Matters Most

Care isn’t one-size-fits-all. Talk about what matters most to your loved one: staying at home, maintaining social connections, or any specific preferences. These priorities should guide future decisions and help determine what will keep your loved one happy

and comfortable

Ask directly:

• If your health changed, what would matter most to you?

• What would you want to avoid?

• Who would you trust to step in if needed?

These preferences can guide future decisions. Without clarity, families default to assumptions, and assumptions often create conflict.

4. Designate a Decision Maker

It’s helpful for parents to name a trusted “point person” who can communicate with healthcare providers, family members, and make medical decisions if needed. 

Encourage your parent to formally identify a trusted decision maker for medical and care coordination. This is not about control. It is about alignment. When roles are clear, stress decreases. When wishes are documented, guilt decreases. When communication is structured, conflict decreases.

Conversations Are the Beginning, Not the Plan

Having the conversation is essential. But real power happens when families turn preferences into a shared plan that is organized, visible, and accessible to those who need it. At Wisdom, we believe aging in place is not simply about staying home. It is about giving your older adult loved one agency over their future. And this requires proactive planning, transparent communication, and tools that help families move from intention to action.

Waiting feels easier. Until it is not. The earlier the conversation happens, the more choices remain on the table. And choice is the foundation of independence.

🔗 Read the full New York Times article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/08/well/aging-parents.html